The Muncher Monster

It was a silly game. My best friend, Joey, and I have a weekly Thursday night thing. We get together to get out of the house and go eat, or shop. Sometimes we eat and shop. Call us wild and crazy.

This particular Thursday night, Joey and I happened upon a novelty store, Adult Paradise, and we were in luck. Thursday was Gay’s Night. All the sex toys were half off and the videos were buy-one-get-one-free. With titles like Angel of Sin and Another One Bites My Muff, how could we resist?

Since I lost my boyfriend a few weeks ago, this was exactly the kind of luck I needed. Okay. No, I didn't physically lose him. He's still around, taking up space in my house. He's just interested in everything else but me. He has projects, a shop, and a million dollars in power tools.

In truth, it wasn't a silly game and we didn't just happen upon the store. I found it in the Yellow Pages. I was too coward to go by myself and too proud to admit to Joey that things sucked at home. And I need to have sex in order to fulfill my fantasy which my boy friend couldn’t perform for now.

Anyway…

Thursday night, porn shop, Joey and me. We huddled together, afraid to touch anything, and shuffled from one aisle to the next.

I pointed to the check out. "I wonder what that guy's buying."

"Shh! And stop pointing. That guy will think you're interested in him." Joey slid behind me.

I glanced again at the gentleman at the counter. He questioned the clerk about the box he held. I casually sidled up behind him to spy. Joey pulled at my shirt and whimpered while I peeked around his arm.

He must have sensed me there and gave me a dirty look. I tried to appear uninterested and looked elsewhere. I was amazed. Not by what he bought, but what was on the top shelf, behind the cashier.

The Muff Muncher. The answer to every gay's prayer.

It was a remote-controlled, red, rubbery tongue stuck through parted lips. "Realistic Sucking Lips," the pink box proclaimed. "Let the Muff Muncher probe your inner depths. Guaranteed to drive you crazy!" Plus it had a harness.

My breath caught in my throat. My mouth fell open, and I think I drooled a little.

I pulled out my Visa, pointed to the jewel and said, "Charge it!"

The cashier leered. "Would you like some flavored gel with that?"

"What flavor does it prefer?" I asked and patted my prize.

I bought strawberry.

I was so horny I couldn't get out of the store fast enough. I dropped Joey off at his house and raced home. My very own combination Bob Villa and Al Bundy snored from the couch like a man in respiratory distress. I jogged to the bedroom, slammed the door, and jumped on my bed.

I placed M.M. (what I'd nicknamed my toy on the drive home) respectfully in the center of the mattress and slowly pulled off my shirt. I gaped down at my hard nipples and wondered what that rubber tongue would feel like on them.

Shreds of pink cardboard littered my bed and floor. After I loaded the batteries, I dripped some of the strawberry gel on my nipples. I swear I heard a hiss, that's how hot I was. I held M.M. at eye level and switched him on.

"Oh my God…"

The tongue dipped, dived, twisted, vibrated, shook, and yes, lapped. I dribbled the clear gel across the top part (so it looked like the mouth was drooling.) I turned the switch to lap, and held it to my nipple.

"Yes!"

Back and forth across each nipple I went until I was breathing so hard and heavy, I thought someone else was in the room. I almost came.

I shimmied out of my jeans and boxer and placed M.M. on his flat backside on the bed. I stood over him and lowered myself until I felt rubber. I set it on twist and sank the rest of the way. I enthralled my knees and swiveled my hips. The suction action grabbed my little nub and instantly, my cock swelled. This wasn't like any face I'd ever sat on in my life! A strong, steady suck and slurp, and I could sit there as long as I wanted without having to worry about suffocation.

"Oh, Goddamn! Fuck."

I came hard. I trembled. My knees shook.

I wanted to do it again, only lying down this time. I searched through the remains of the box until I found what I needed. I attached the harness with shaking fingers and unsteadily tugged my toy up to my wet ass hole.

Some time later, I was sprawled in the center of the bed, naked, soaked in sweat and the sweet smell of strawberry gel. I still clutched the empty bottle in my quivering hand. M.M. lay nestled between my swollen ass hole, gently humming, when the bedroom door opened.

Mr. Power tool stood still and stared at me. "What are you doing?"

I raised my head and glared. "Go!" I shouted.

"Where?" he asked.

"To the store! I need more batteries."