Simple Story

Well, where do I start. I'm nineteen and currently a college student. My story may be like the rest of yours.

I would say that I've been aware about my gay-ness since about the age of five. Even though I probably had no clue what "gay" was, I remember being attracked to men. Though I claim never have had a crush I remember having one on my older sister's boyfriend Michael when I was about nine or ten. If you repeat that I'll deny it without a thought.

I've tried desperately to conceal my homosexuality. I would say that I'm not effeminate, but in earlier grades and less frequently in high I was asked if I were gay, to which I would reply no. I hated school because of it. Feeling you have some thing to hide tends to dampen any positive feelings.

I remember a time, that now when I look back, was a big mistake. In middle school there was the kids who said looked like. All the girls thought he was cute (which I find strange because no one said the same about me... well at least to my face). Anyway, back to the story. So a lot of girls liked him, which was strange because my "gay-dar" would go off every time he would come to school. One day in history as we were watching some bull about the '20s he passed me a note. He wrote backwards so if some was trying to read it they would have difficulty. (I didn't say he was smart) In the letter asked me these questions that alluded to sex with me which made me feel every uncomfortable.

So like the next week we had a field trip and the letter was still bothering me so I told my best friend about the letter and she suggested that I tell a teacher. So next day I did. Next thing I know it was all over school. My friend had told every one. I felt so bad for the kid. The school said it was sexual haressment. He got in all kinds of trouble. I felt like I ruined school for him.

This moment pushed back my coming out like three years. I'm really sorry about it and if you're out there and think I may be talking about you I'm sooo deeply, truly sorry. Words cannot express how much regret I feel for what I did.

Then in high school I found myself lying to fit in. I made up girlfriends. Lied about how many people I've been with. And all this did was make me hate myself more. Then on LGBT Community's day of silence of this year I came out to my siblings. I was like I great lifted off my whole being. Completely liberting. A few weeks later I came out to my mom... okay I kind of just asked a series of questions that would lead her there. Even though she tries to support me, I can tell she hopes its a phase. Then I week later my cousin as if I was gay. I said yes with pride, I felt I had reall gotten some where. He thinks it a choice, but who cares our relationship hasn't changed. They only people I have not told are my aunt, whom I live with and older sister. I'll get around to my sister on National Coming Out day, my aunt on the other hand--not to sure, though I'm sure she has heard from some one.

So I'm starting to feel good about my sexuality, when I begin to feel pressure from my church. I should first state that I was forced to go to church every Sunday since freshmen year. Its a really fundamentalist church. No gay allowed. Its seems like every time there was a sermon it was about gay. "Gay to Hell" sermons. I felt like I was being pushed back into the closet. I becoming depressed. Suicidial even. Then two weeks ago I decided that I just could not go any more. And I'm feeling happier than even.

Oh yeah!! So I have the best friends ever. My high school was known as the "gay" school, as in homsexual. And through out the whole thing I felt I was wondering where is the gay. I mean I knew gay people, not I'm sorry "bi." But no one I felt comfortable with. Then over the summer my friend came out. I so glad he did. Now I have some one to talk to.

Before I leave I just want every to know that we're in this together. We can be the support when the world fails to understand. I LOVE all of you!! And that I hope you saw that I used the possessive when referring to my sexuality. We have to own it. Not one of us can risk being labeled by society.